Wellington Counseling Group
Our Mindset Matters
Hello families of Wellington Counseling Group
As we head into the second week of living homebound, I hope that you and your loved ones are all in good health and good spirits. This past week presented a huge adjustment for families in balancing working from home with childcare and for many, the steep new learning curve brought to our lives by distance education. Perhaps you learned new things about yourself and your family’s capacity to be together during challenging times. Personally, if I ever was curious about homeschooling my children, that curiosity quickly evaporated after about an hour (just kidding, more like five seconds!). While much of the daily freedoms we used to take for granted are currently restricted, it is important to remember the things that do remain within our control, and our mindset and behaviors belong at the top of the list.
~How we frame the current situation in our minds will truly influence how we feel about it and what we model to children.
Stay Connected (that’s an order)
~Find ways to stay connected with friends, family, and co-workers daily , whether through Skype, Facetime, Marco Polo, texts or an old-fashioned phone call. Parents and kids alike NEED the virtual connection for a sense of normalcy and access to friends and support networks.
Overload the self-care
~Find some way to stay active and engage in self-care whether it be through exercise, meditation, reading, playing or using the time inside to explore a new hobby. I have been amazed by the generosity of local gyms and nationwide yoga studios that are offering free, on-demand fitness programs.
Take good care of yourselves and loved ones. We will continue seeing you online until we can see you again at the office!
Allison Lobel, Psy.D.
Director of Child & Adolescent Services
Three great free daily activities to keep kids engaged
- Have kids conduct a virtual interview with an older friend or relative. This pandemic is truly about thinking beyond ourselves, and interviews are a great way to learn about others and to pick up new insights while building empathy. Have your kids come up with 5-10 questions to ask a grandparent to learn more about his/her childhood, career and interests. This kind of interaction can help buoy the morale of both parties while increasing your child’s EQ (aka emotional intelligence).
- Show random acts of kindness to family members. To my surprise at dinner one night, my daughters set the table with these homemade, origami gift boxes. Inside each box were additional surprises, including a bracelet, stickers and handwritten messages with inspiring phrases.
- Create colorful murals to hang on your walls. All your kids need is paper, crayons/colored pencils and a prompt to get started, such as: an amusement park; beach scene, space scene; fancy cakes; family portrait.
Hello families of Wellington Counseling Group
I certainly hope this message finds you and your families in good health now and in the days ahead. During these very uncertain times, I wanted to reach out and let you know that I and the rest of the Child and Adolescent team at WCG are available to answer any questions or concerns you might have. Though we do not know what specifically lies ahead in the coming weeks, the one thing that is abundantly clear is that we will all be spending A LOT of time inside with our families, unable to participate in normal aspects of our daily routine. I am sure we have all read the ubiquitous articles about what to do to stay healthy and “flatten the curve” throughout the next few weeks. Without a doubt, the social limits we are under should go far in making a significant impact on public health. But, with social distancing and isolation comes an undeniable impact on emotional well-being. I wanted to share some thoughts on how to frame our mindset, not only to survive, but to thrive as families and emerge from this stronger, more resilient, and more emotionally steady. As a parent of two children, ages 9 and 6, I am certainly riding this roller-coaster with you.
Creating structure and routines
~It might be tempting to stay in pajamas all day, but facilitating a sense of normalcy through routines will help with everyone’s adjustment. Expecting kids to adhere to regular weekday routines, such as getting dressed, brushing teeth, completing chores, and sticking to bedtime routines will help maintain an atmosphere of consistency and create predictable anchor points for the day. We will resume normal living at some point and when that happens, our sticking to household routines will have helped facilitate those smooth transitions back to school and work.
Connecting with our kids and sharing individual interests
~Focus on using the time to join in what captures your child’s interest, whether it be a board game, craft, pretend play activity, or video game; yes, I said “a video game!”. During a typical week, it’s probably challenging to carve out daily or even weekly time to put aside parenting tasks or work responsibilities to join an activity. Now I have no excuse not to learn how to play Mario Kart with my 9-year-old or “play school” with my 6-year-old. While adults’ primary focus might be on physical health issues, children can recollect on this time with fond memories of playing with parents and teaching them a new skill or two.
Flexible approach to reality
~The endless parade of cancelled beloved activities, birthday parties, family visits, and spring break trips have been a lot to digest over the past few days and likely it has elicited a range of emotions for children and parents. This pause from normalcy, though, can offer an opportunity to listen to a child’s concerns and enjoy an open dialogue about what is on his/her mind. Though not a replacement for your cancelled spring break by any means, using this time to engage in learning about the destination can be a great family activity. For example, since you may not be traveling to Mexico anymore, think about finding resources to still expose children to the culture, whether it be through making a homemade dish together or researching the ecology of the environment. If you are fortunate enough to be able to rebook in the future, your children will very likely remember what they learned during this time and make the connection when they have the opportunity to take that trip as more active participants and informed travelers of the world.
Take good care of yourselves and loved ones. Connections can still remain strong in the face of social limits so I will be popping up in your inbox from time to time.
We’ll see you online when we see you next!
Allison Lobel, Psy.D.
Director of Child & Adolescent Service
Three great free daily activities to keep kids engaged
- 25-day Drawing Challenge
- 30-day Lego Challenge
- Making one homemade card each day to send snail mail to a family or friend
School. As a parent, what feelings were elicited for you as you read that word? Was it excitement? Worry? Dread? Stress? Pressure? For some, school is all about fun, friends, and an ease of fitting in with peers. While there can surely be excitement surrounding the social atmosphere, a genuine feeling of love of learning, and of being challenged academically, for many, school brings about feelings of anxiety and/or dread. The school setting can be an awkward environment for many students. For some, this anxiety is experienced as an internal dialogue: “Is the teacher going to call on me again,” “This class is impossible,” “Everyone but me seems to get what we’re doing,” or, “Will I have anyone to sit with at lunch today?”
Although anxiety around attending school is usually rooted within a deeper issue, school refusal affects 2-5% of school aged children (www.adaa.org). No parent wishes for their child to experience feelings of discomfort or alienation when going somewhere where they will spend the majority of their formative years. As parents, we hope our children will spend their school days engaged in learning and developing as social beings, comfortable in that ever-shifting set of demands and opportunities.
Some reasons students experience anxiety or fear about attending school may include:
1. Social Media. Technology can be a great and wonderful tool. Many schools encourage students to use technology for homework, projects, and even class work. While the benefits to using technology are numerous, there are complexities and negative aspects to its ever-growing use in schools, as well. Navigating social media as a pre- teen/teenager can be emotionally fraught and can exacerbate the feelings of stress and anxiousness a teenager may already experience.
2. Academic Stress. Stress for students during the academic year is understandably higher than during the summer months. Academic pressure--whether emanating from the home environment or the demands of the child’s program--can start to mount at a very young age and typically continues well into the college years for many students. Stress of this magnitude will affect a child’s physical and emotional wellbeing if not appropriately managed in a healthy way. In one related study, students self report having unhealthy levels of stress. Not only are they stressed to elevated levels, but students are also reporting they are unsure of how to appropriately manage that stress, which for some becomes chronic and year-long.
3. Social Conflict. Pre-teens and teenagers are at a developmental stage where friends play a more crucial role in their everyday lives and development than ever before. Your child will be testing limits while trying to negotiate new autonomy, independence, and a sense of who they are; this is developmentally normal, even desired. In doing so, however, there can emerge new family conflicts, intensification of emotions, and misconstrued communication that can leave previously happy households feeling like hormonally-fueled war zones.
At Wellington Counseling Group, we are committed to helping your young person navigate this difficult and confusing time in their lives. Our summer group titled, The Journey From Summer to Fall & Everything After, will tackle topics that pre-teens and teens are interested in discussing, and this summer, we will be running two separate groups: One for students in grades (entering) 6th-8th and one for students in grades (entering) 9th-12th.
Our group leaders foster a safe and inviting environment where pre-teens and teens can feel comfortable opening up with peers their own age to have honest discussions about their school experiences and how to manage and navigate the everyday challenges they encounter and will face in the Fall.
Nieghmond, Patti. National Public Radio. School Stress Takes a Toll on Health, Teens and Parents Say. December 2, 2013.
Shaffer, Leah. Harvard Graduate School of Education. Social Media and Teen Anxiety: How parents can help their kids navigate the pressures of their digital lives—without pulling the plug on the positives. December 15, 2017. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/17/12/social- media-and-teen-anxiety
Shapiro, Margaret. The Washington Post. Stressed-out teens, with school a main cause. February 17, 2014. https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/stressed-out- teens-with-school-a-main-cause/2014/02/14/d3b8ab56-9425-11e3-84e1- 27626c5ef5fb_story.html?utm_term=.80366ff47907
This is the final story in a 3-part series about depression and finding support. This installment is directed primarly at those who have an affected person in their life, whether family or friend.
Every day, 123 Americans take their own lives, making suicide a leading cause of death in the United States and an undeniable public health crisis. The Centers for Disease Control recently reported that the rate of suicide has increased by 30% since 1999. Forty-nine states saw a rise of suicides in 2016.
While the data paint a grim picture, there is hope. One of the 12 known warning signs of suicide is isolation, which means that loneliness is a significant risk factor.
This is where your friendship comes in.
Before continuing, I want to emphasize that anyone who is suicidal needs to contact a medical or behavioral health professional for immediate evaluation and treatment. This article isn’t about your being a proxy or saving the day. Rather, it’s about giving you the tools to be a key member of your friend’s support system. Your role as a friend is to be there even if you’re not asked to be, and to address the topic of suicide and discuss it openly because that’s one of the most helpful things you can do.
Here’s how you can make a difference:
Be an Advocate: What to Say to Someone Who You Think is Suicidal
Few people know your friend better than you, which puts you in a good position to recognize if her behavior is out of the ordinary. Some warning signs and suicidal thoughts are clear as day: if your friend is talking about wanting to die or kill herself, it’s a red flag that requires immediate attention. Other signs, like withdrawing, or sleeping too little or too much are not so obvious or definite. If you’re worried, open the dialogue using these recommendations from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
- Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.
- Be willing to listen, allow expressions of feelings, and accept the feelings.
- Be non-judgmental. Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether feelings are good or bad. Don’t lecture on the value of life.
- Don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you.
- Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.
In addition, ask the following questions:
- Do you have a therapist?
- Have you seen your therapist this week?
- When are you next seeing them?
- Do they know about your thoughts on this?
- Are you worried that you might hurt yourself?
- How long have you been feeling like this?
- What are things that have helped you in the past when you feel this way?
Offer to sit with your friend as she calls her therapist, or if she doesn’t have one, help her find one. If you happen to know her therapist, you can contact them directly to inform the therapist that you are worried and to please follow up with your friend (note: There is no privacy law that prohibits the therapist from taking a call from you, listening, or taking action regarding the message you might leave with them, which might take the form of a check-in to your friend. But, without an authorization from your friend, they simply won’t be able to acknowledge they are treating them, nor will they offer information about the treatment).
My Friend Sounds Desperate. What the #%$@! Do I Do Now?
In an acute situation where your friend is on the verge of a suicide attempt, call 911. If you can physically be with him, stay by his side--and safely store any medications and/or firearms--until an ambulance arrives. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Here’s what you can expect in either scenario:
- Share all the information you can with your 911 operator. Tell the dispatcher that your friend is having a mental health crisis and explain his mental health history and/or diagnosis.
- When an officer arrives at the home, say "this is a mental health crisis." Mention you can share any helpful information, then step out of the way.
- The officer or paramedic can often talk to a person who is upset, calm him down and convince him to go to the hospital voluntarily.
- In certain circumstances, police can compel a person in crisis to come to the hospital involuntarily for a mental health evaluation. The laws vary from state to state.
Calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
- First, your friend will hear an automated message featuring additional options while the call is routed to the local Lifeline network crisis center.
- A trained crisis worker at the local center will answer the phone.
- This person will listen to him, understand how his problem is affecting him, provide support, and get him the help he needs.
It’s important to note that, as a friend, there’s only so much you can do. You are not responsible for saving your friend, but you can help him to safety. To use a boating metaphor, If someone falls overboard, you don’t have to be a strong swimmer to save them, but you can throw the life ring to them. Being present and not just a bystander is significant.
Checking In: Staying in Touch Can Have a Tremendously Positive Impact
You can't be with your friend at all times, and she may not always be in imminent danger. She may still be at risk, however, which is why checking in with her is important. You can tell her, “Listen, I’m going to keep calling you everyday, and if you don’t pick up, I’m going to worry.” You can also involve other friends and create a calling/texting chain to demonstrate your support.
Check on the welfare of your friend if you are worried about her or can't reach her. Call 911 to reach the first responders in your community and explain why you are concerned. Ask them to conduct a "welfare check." It is very important to consider the wisdom of conducting your own, in-person welfare check: It is my recommendation that you defer the welfare check to the professionals in your community, in order to protect your own emotional well-being in the unfortunate instance where you may be the first person to discover the aftermath of a “successful” suicide. The traumatic aftermath of discovering that a loved one has ended their life can leave life-long emotional scars.
Be there. Be there for your friend. You are not an expert but a conduit to the proper professionals in a time of crisis. You should know that the love and support you express is immeasurable and can help your friend during the worst of times. Understand the resources that are available to your friend, including his/her therapist, other friends, and emergency services. Be mindful of the warning signs, and always check in. Don’t be insulted if your friend thinks you’re being a pain in the ass--that means you're doing your job.
- One of the most stunning paradoxes of suicidality is that, sometimes the suicidal person is actually happiest during the days just preceding a suicide attempt and can appear quite up-beat. He’s reached a tonic point and is at peace because he’s made a plan. He has a new sense of hope that his pain will disappear and that his life and the people around him will all be better off for his choice. Be aware that this is not spontaneous recovery, but a red herring of the deadliest kind.
- Nine of out ten people who attempt suicide and survive do not go on to complete suicide at a later date. It is not uncommon for survivors to gain perspective upon seeking treatment and go on to live wonderful lives.
Dr. David Rakofsky is a Chicago-based clinical psychologist and the founder of Wellington Counseling Group in Chicago and the northern suburbs.
This is the second in a 3-part series for those facing depression and hoping for help. It may also be a beneficial read for those who have a loved one showing signs of depression. Previously, we discussed how to recognize the hallmark signs of depression and how to respond.
Progress isn’t always linear when it comes to mental health treatment, especially for people with depression. Even if you are receiving treatment, your depression may stop getting better or may even worsen. Depression hurts emotionally and physically, and your level of pain is a good barometer of its impact on your quality of life. Specifically, there are several ways to tell if it’s getting worse:
- You have extended periods of time when you notice your mood is not improving
- You’re unable to function in your daily activities
- You are sleeping too much or not enough
- You are eating too much or not enough
- You feel restless
- You have increased feelings of hopelessness
- Activities that usually made you happy no longer interest you
- You keep crying without an identifiable reason or trigger
- You feel irritable
- You wake up several times during the night
- You are having difficulty concentrating
- You are experiencing physical symptoms, such as headaches and upset stomach, lethargy or inability to just get off the couch or out of bed
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, despite receiving treatment for your depression, keep plugging away and remember to advocate for yourself. It just means you might need a different approach.
Start With Your Therapist
If you don’t think your therapy is working, start by talking to your therapist. Be direct and ask if there is a different approach you can try or if there is anything you can do make your therapy more effective. Seasoned therapists are trained in many different approaches to help people struggling with depression. Perhaps, if you feel comfortable with your therapist, he or she can try to engage you in a different way that is better suited to you and where you are at this point. If you feel you require action items or “homework” to make progress, convey that. Effective treatment is certainly not a one-size-fits-all endeavor.
Consider Switching Therapists
Not every therapist is a perfect match for everybody. If you don’t feel that she or he is a good fit to help you, that’s OK. Trust your gut. Express your feelings, and your therapist may even refer you to another professional who will fit so much better. You can say, “I’d like your help in finding someone who’s a better fit for me.”
If your current therapist is unable to help you, why not check with your insurance company? They can provide a list of all the other therapists who are on your insurance plan. Discussing the discontinuation of your current therapy can be a tough conversation because you are already comfortable with your therapist, and you believe he or she has your best interest at heart. At the same time, if you are more comfortable making a clean break, go ahead. While I’ll almost always encourage having this discussion with your therapist, if you aren’t comfortable with them for whatever reason, you really don’t it owe to them. (Of course, it’s always good form to give someone the courtesy of learning in advance that you won’t be returning).
The idea of starting over with a new therapist can feel overwhelming and may even deter people from exploring other options. However, you don’t have to begin from Chapter One and retell your life story, if that’s your main concern about making the switch. You’ve most likely begun to process that material with your previous therapist, and you can allow the biographical information you previously shared to come out over time, session-by-session with a new therapist.
If therapy alone isn’t helping your depression symptoms, you may want to consult your medical doctor (or your trusted therapist) about adding a medication. If you’re currently taking medication, it may be time to try a new one. While many medications are available today for depression, it often requires trial and error to find the one—or the combination—that works best for you. Medications also take time to work. Even the right one for you can take up to four weeks before any improvements are experienced.
Stay Busy Between Sessions
While trying different approaches, there are other things you can do to help keep your symptoms in check. Some suggestions include:
- Stay active/exercise
- Spend time with people you trust
- Set realistic expectations. Your mood may improve gradually
- Take time to educate yourself about depression
Remember, treating your depression takes time. Sometimes the first approach or first therapist isn’t the right fit for you. This is why it’s important to not give up, but rather, empower yourself by changing up your treatment plan when needed. Not everyone who suffers from depression experiences the same symptoms. Similarly, not everyone benefits from the same exact treatment. This is why it is important for you to learn what approach will best help you.
Dr. David Rakofsky is a Chicago-based clinical psychologist and the founder of Wellington Counseling Group in Chicago and the northern suburbs.
This is the first in a 3-part series for those facing depression and hoping for help. It may also be a beneficial read for those who have loved ones showing signs of depression. Previously, we discussed how to respond to episodes of sadness, but depression is different, as it is a clinical issue.
Let’s start from the beginning. How do you know if you are depressed? The most common symptoms of depression are: insomnia, difficulty concentrating, trouble remembering things and making decisions, loss of appetite or overeating, losing interest in things you used to enjoy, lingering feelings of sadness, and even thoughts of suicide. If you do have serious and persistent thoughts of suicide, please don’t wait to seek professional help. Instead, immediately head to the emergency room and be open with them about what you’re experiencing.
Another typical symptom of depression is isolating yourself from others, like friends and family. While this separation may feel comforting in the moment, a pattern of pulling away and avoidance can trigger shame that is sure to deepen your feelings of despair and loneliness. It also may lead you to miss out on activities you normally enjoy.
Although men can definitely experience depression, it is twice as common for women to suffer from the disease. This can perhaps be explained by the hormonal changes women experience, such as premenstrual shifts that can occur with each monthly cycle; the hormonal changes that occur with pregnancy; postpartum depression following a birth; perimenopause and menopause. Of these, postpartum depression is the most common and can be the most severe, according to the Centers for Disease Control. In fact, postpartum depression can even cause you to doubt your ability to care for your baby, and in extreme cases can lead to obsessive and intrusive thoughts about hurting yourself or your newborn.
Sometimes, depression can be caused by other underlying physical disorders. For this reason, if you have not been previously diagnosed with major depression by a medical or mental health professional, see your doctor to make sure your new and troubling mood isn’t better accounted for by some other, medically-based abnormality. It is very important to not self-diagnose your depression.
If your doctor offers you only medication or a referral to a psychiatrist or other medicating specialist, ask for some names of therapists who they already trust; depending on your severity, it may behoove you to consider counseling as an initial treatment before transitioning to medications. Talking to someone who is professionally trained to help with depression is a critical part of the process to manage your symptoms. Finding the right therapist is key. You can obtain an online list of names from your health insurance provider if it helps to narrow your search. Look for a therapist that specializes in helping people suffering from depression, and make time in your schedule to see your therapist at least weekly until symptoms improve significantly. Consistency is important when working with a professional, so make sure you feel comfortable with your therapist. It’s OK to meet with a few therapists until you find the one that feels right for you.
After you have a few sessions with your chosen therapist, he or she may conclude that medication, along with continued therapy, may be beneficial for you. If so, your therapist may refer you to a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner, medically trained and licensed professionals who carefully manage medications until the right combination is found. In some cases, you may even be able to visit your regular doctor for the right medication. But remember that medication alone typically isn’t enough. It is important to continue your work with a therapist.
Treating depression is a process, often one that takes time. Allow yourself that time. It’s easy to be spoiled by the fast therapeutic effect experienced during the first few therapy sessions. You may feel hope begin to be restored fairly soon, actually. This is when many people make the mistake of stopping their therapy sessions. However, it is vital to continue meeting with your therapist, because much of the change people feel is due to a virtual re-wiring within the brain, and these neurological processes are not instantly set. Seeds will be planted that take time to bear fruit over the course of your treatment. Fighting depression will have its ups and downs. Having a professional team working to help you will only make things easier for you. If you don’t have adequate support at home, you may want to find a local support group to keep you focused on healing. Your therapist can help with this search, too.
Remember that you are not alone. Depression is a common mental illness. In fact, according to Mental Health America, depression affects more than 16 million Americans each year. It also has no bias; depression can befall anyone, regardless of age, gender or race. But if you seek help, depression can be battled successfully, thanks to a combination of therapy and other behavioral health regimens.
Dr. David Rakofsky is a Chicago-based clinical psychologist and the founder of Wellington Counseling Group in Chicago and the northern suburbs.
A friend recently shared something new with me. A happy-go-lucky person, he said he falls into a funk—a brief period of feeling gloomy without knowing why—once or twice a year. Each episode lasts no longer than a few days, and he asked why this occurs seemingly out of the blue. I suggested it was neither sadness nor depression. Sadness is an emotion triggered by a difficult event, experience, or situation, while depression is a recognized mental illness that makes us feel sad about everything. A funk is a temporary dip in mood that can be normal.
Funks can take you off your game and even develop into a clinical issue over time if not addressed. Here are nine ways to pull yourself out of your funk:
1. Cardiovascular Exercise
Go out for a run, jog, or even a long, brisk walk. Get your heart pumping, and focus your eyes on the beauty or novelty of the world around you. Granted, breaking a sweat and soaking up the great outdoors doesn’t sound appealing when you’re feeling listless and down, but exercising releases endorphins, the body’s natural anti-depressants. The sudden rush of these hormones can be the thing that flips your mood around.
2. Connect with People You Trust
Social connection is not only preventive of depression but can reduce time spent in your funk. Keep a short list of people with whom you are comfortable speaking openly. You can count on them to listen, and you can be vulnerable in front of them. Apply the “Fake It Till Ya Make It” technique, which is not about being false; rather, it forces you to reach out—an action that feels unnatural and dreadful in the moment—but can be therapeutic. Push past the idea of being a burden to people because that’s just the funk talkin’.
3. Eat Comfort Food
A cheeseburger and fries can help when you’re down. Citing a recent study, Psychology Today reported that food associated with good thoughts and warm feelings not only improves a sense of well-being, it also decreases loneliness.
4. Step Away from Your Screens
When you’re in a funk, prolonged exposure to the artificial examples of human success and happiness on television certainly doesn’t help. Take a T.V. break; your shows aren't going anywhere. In addition, use social media sparingly. In your current funky state you’re more likely to absorb news on your Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram feeds through a #distortedfilter. Additionally, Social Comparison Theory—the idea that we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others—may kick into overdrive. If you are posting and waiting for Likes and comments to fill your balloon, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. To boot, you might actually post something in this funked-up state that you’ll regret.
5. Talk to Your Doctor About Medications You’re Taking
It’s possible that side effects of your medications may be causing your funk. Consult with your doctor to rule this out. Mood alteration can be the result of sudden changes in medications regimen. Ask yourself: Have I been on anti-depressants but now take them inconsistently or have just stopped? Is this event the result of withdrawal? Do I need to consult my medical provider to revisit my dosage and consider an increase or a change of medications?
Meditation is an incredibly useful tool when you’re in a funk because it can help you gain perspective and achieve a more realistic appraisal of your life. Among its many benefits, meditation can preserve the aging brain, improve concentration and attention, and reduce anxiety. It’s also free, painless, and can be done anywhere.
7. Avoid Drugs and Alcohol
There may be significant temptation to self-medicate and numb the bothersome feelings, but your goal is to face these feelings, not escape them. Leaning on drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism can exacerbate your problem. For example, alcohol as a so-called sleep-inducer can actually disrupt sleep in the middle of the night. Inadequate sleep will likely extend a funk. A drug like marijuana has side effects like anxiety and depression. Continued use of drugs and alcohol can create a dependency or worse, addiction.
8. Always Have Something to Look Forward to
I call it “The Horizon Line of Good Events:” the importance of having things to look forward to in the immediate, intermediate, and far-off future.
- Immediate future: something stimulating or exciting that is scheduled for today, tomorrow or in the next few weeks. You may be in a bad place now, but you are finally seeing Hamilton next Saturday.
- Intermediate future: things you have planned over the next several months or year, such as a graduation party, bar mitzvah, or vacation.
- Far off future: goals for how you envision your life down the line, like how and with whom you want to spend your retirement.
Funks can be unexpected events that bump you off course and wreck your mood. Episodes eventually pass, but these tips can help you climb out of funks faster and empower you with proactive tools to utilize in the future.
Coming Soon: The first story in our three-part series about living with depression will be available later this month.
Matt Hiller, LCSW, is a therapist formerly with Wellington Counseling Group. His work has included therapy with adults, adolescents, children, and families.
Why has it become hard to develop friendships?
Matt Hiller: Working as a therapist with young adults, I often meet with people who have moved to Chicago and are struggling to make friends. I think this reflects a larger trend where people are relocating for work or school and feel disconnected from their older social networks. Another factor is that there are so many things that compete for people's time and attention. Long work hours, technology, and family responsibilities often reduce the time that people have available to make new connections.
Has the prospects of networking made it hard to develop genuine friendships?
Matt Hiller: In my work, I often encourage people who have trouble making friends to attend networking events. I think they can be great opportunities to practice social skills such as making introductions, active listening, and identifying shared goals and values. My only caveat is that it is also important to build connections outside of professional contexts. So, I might encourage someone to consider how they can use networking skills in settings such as faith communities or classes.
How are friendships defined in the 21st century?
Matt Hiller: In the past, individuals often established friendships with people from their immediate communities. But now, technology has completely changed the way that physical proximity affects relationships. For example, thanks to social media, a person often knows about the political views, dietary habits, and relationship status of elementary school friends that live across the country. I encourage people to remember that actual human interaction is often an important foundation for building lasting friendships. However, I also emphasize that technology is a great way to rekindle old connections or find people who have shared interests.
What traits do people look for in friends now?
Matt Hiller: I think that many of the traits that people look for in friends are universal: kindness, trust, common values, etc. However, whereas friendships in the past might have been more based on physical location, I think that shared interest is a more common foundation now. For example, many people do improv comedy in Chicago, and there are always social activities that individuals can participate in like shows and classes. Because sometimes it is hard to find the time to build deep friendships with people, it is often easier to focus on communities where people can first connect over a common activity.
How do you keep your actions from being misconstrued as flirting or trying to get something from them?
Matt Hiller: As a therapist, I often say that we cannot totally control how other people interpret our behavior. I would suggest that a good approach is to focus on respecting other people's boundaries and comfort. For example, I would encourage a person to be mindful about things like physical contact or romantically suggestive comments. Past that, honesty and trust is a foundation of any good friendship. As such, I think that it is best for a person to communicate clearly that they are just looking to be friends.
What are some things that you can do to form friendships regardless of social setting?
Matt Hiller: I think that the key to forming friendships in differing social settings is to value what makes you unique as a person and to have genuine curiosity about other people. If a person has low self-esteem, they might doubt that anyone would find them interesting, which can lead to withdrawal and isolation. And regardless of one's setting, a person can build all sorts of unexpected friendships if they take the time to listen and understand other people’s experiences.
Santiago Delboy, LCSW, is a Chicago-based psychotherapist formerly with Wellington Counseling Group. His work has included therapy with individual adults and couples.
A long time ago I became interested in the intersection of economics and psychology. A few years later, I was delighted to hear that the 2002 Nobel Prize of Economics was awarded to a psychologist, Daniel Kahneman. He is one of the founders of Behavioral Economics, which studies the ways consumers make biased or "irrational" decisions, and one of the developers of Prospect Theory.
What is Prospect Theory?
Prospect theory suggests a few things about how people deal with the risk inherent to uncertain situations:
- People are loss-averse, which doesn't just mean that we don't like to lose. Loss aversion means that we are more willing to take risks to avoid losses than to secure gains. For example, most people prefer a sure gain of $100 over a 50% chance of getting $200, but they prefer a 50% chance of losing $200 over a certain loss of $100. (As those who remember their statistics class will notice, a sure $100 or a 50% chance of $200 are theoretically the same).
- Judgments of value and the decisions we make are relative to a specific reference point. In other words, the decisions we make are based on our perception of the status quo and the gains or losses entailed, rather than the real/objective final outcome.
- We tend to overvalue what we feel we own, in what is called the "endowment effect". In a classic experiment, a group of participants received a mug and were told they owned it; separately, a second group was only shown the same mug, but they didn't keep it. When researchers asked the first group how much they would be willing to sell the mugs for, their asking price was more than twice what the second group said they were willing to pay. The value each group placed on the mug did not depend on the actual object, but on whether they owned it or not (i.e., on their initial reference point: owning the mug vs not owning the mug).
Prospect Theory and Relationships
After reflecting on the relationship conundrums of some of my clients, I started thinking about how prospect theory could be helpful to understand why it is sometimes difficult to end a relationship that is making us unhappy.
Dealing with uncertainty
Ending a relationship can be perceived as risky or uncertain, particularly when it has been going on for a long time. According to the principle of loss aversion, deciding to end a relationship would be difficult because the fear of perceived losses (e.g., changing the status quo, emotional or financial difficulties, esteem from others) can outweigh the potential gains of ending a relationship (e.g., peace of mind, empowerment, independence).
In other words, people would be more willing to take their chances and stay in a relationship that is not working -in order to avoid any perceived losses-, than to run the risk of ending it, even if they can see how that would be beneficial. Fear becomes more powerful than possibility.
It can get more difficult with time
In addition, the endowment effect suggests that the value we place in our relationships may depend more on how much we feel we have invested in it (emotionally, time-wise, financially, etc), than on the qualities of the relationship per se (e.g., are our needs met? do we feel nurtured and cared for?). This is a phenomenon economists call the "sunk cost fallacy," whereby people overemphasize the weight of their previous decisions - think of a company that keeps pouring money into an idea that is clearly not working, just because they already invested a lot on it. The investment already made is a "sunk cost" and could not be recovered anyway.
When we hear people talking about their difficulties ending a relationship with arguments like "we have gone through so much together" or "we have been together for so long", we might be witnessing the endowment effect and sunk cost fallacy in action. This can be particularly true in relationships where shared experiences and meaning have not been able to create and sustain emotional closeness and vulnerability.
It depends on where you are coming from
Whatever constitutes a gain or a loss, and our willingness to take our chances in the face of uncertainty, is a function of our reference point. When it comes to relationships, I understand this point to be defined by whether we feel we are in a place of scarcity or abundance.
In the experiment described above, the group who did not keep the mug was, in a way, in a place of scarcity; as a result, they did not value the mug that highly. In relationships, being in a place of scarcity might be experienced as having doubts about our own self-worth, and feel that others are potential threats to our well-being. In this case, it is harder to value the potential benefits of ending an unhealthy relationship, so the decision becomes more difficult. Moreover, people in this situation sometimes appear to be fighting to keep their relationships, scrambling for reasons to stay in it, even if it is dissatisfying, unhealthy or destructive.
On the other hand, being in a place of abundance might imply embracing acceptance and gratitude, and being aware of our doubts but secure in our sense of worth. Even if a relationship is going through difficult times and the end is imminent, the fear of potential losses may have a lower impact relative to the potential "gains" of moving on. This doesn't make the decision easy by any means, but people in this situation might appreciate that there can be growth beyond the relationship, and understand that ending doesn't mean failing.
What can be done?
The phenomena described by prospect theory are neither good nor bad, they just are. The question is not how to eliminate these biases, but what can we do to deal with them. Three things come to mind:
- Awareness: How we think and feel about ourselves, others and the world, defines how we think of losses and gains. Becoming aware of our own biases, our own fears, and our own relationship histories is essential to understand the difficulties we may be experiencing today.
- Reframing: Since we might become more willing to take risks if we frame a situation as a potential loss, we can think of the things we would miss if we don't make a decision. For instance, we can be more likely to take the chance to be vulnerable with others if we understand the risk of not doing it.
- Gratitude: Cultivating gratitude can help us move from a place of scarcity into a place of abundance. If we can take some steps in that direction, the fear of losses may start losing its power.
Doing these things can be daunting, in particular when we are dealing with the stress of a relationship that might not be working, and many times we are too close to see them. The good news is that we don't need to do this alone.
Prospect theory is mostly based on understanding cognitive biases. The role of emotions and affect is not emphasized, and treated mostly as a source of distortion. However, when it comes to interpersonal or romantic relationships, conscious and unconscious affect is intertwined with our thoughts (rational or not) and behaviors. Hence, prospect theory alone can definitely not capture the complexity of relationships, but it can provide a lens to understand their challenges.
Wow, you’re having your first child. It’s very exciting and scary. You find yourself discussing with other people, family, friends what you’re doing to prepare, what life may be like, how you are envisioning the inevitable changes, though in reality, you can’t begin to understand what your new status as a first-time parent will truly be like. You’re wondering who the baby will look like, possibly contemplating milestones, or fantasizing about their ultimate careers. You are about to acquire a title that will never leave you once obtained, that of “parent.”
Or, you’re having your second or third child. You’re still excited and scared. You’re focused on your current child’s (or children’s) reaction to the new sibling, how it will change the dynamics in each family grouping, how your life will change with the now second or third child, but you also have a certain security in knowing that this time you possess a set of skills: How to give a baby a bath, when to start food, what to expect in developmental milestones – smiling, grasping, talking, sitting up, walking, etc. -- though the specific knowledge about the new little individual still remains a mystery.
Alternatively, you’re adopting. In addition to all the basics that go along with the first two options, you have additional concerns of what the baby’s life has been like until this point. What were the circumstances related to attachment (or lack thereof), have developmental milestones been met, the baby’s health, the health history of the family of origin. Surrogacy, too, comes with a whole host of concerns.
What all these potential scenarios have in common (unless you are knowingly adopting a special needs child) is that you, the parent, have a set of basic expectations that really are nonnegotiable. Of course, my child will smile, roll over, stand up, walk, talk, interact with other children, go to school, etc. So… what happens when a monkey wrench is thrown into this normal, totally expected progression? For the sake of this piece, we will use major learning disabilities or other disabilities where a child remains at home, not necessarily a separate care giving situation. Such examples may be those of extreme ADD or ADHD, deafness, partial sightedness, or conditions limiting physical engagement. Issues to explore are the impact of discovery, parents’ recovery enough to be proactive, the education of others (family, friends, caregivers, teachers, etc.) with whom the child interacts, necessary familial adjustments involving all units, the grieving process related to the loss, and, in most cases, emerging from the fog and realizing the unexpected gifts and growth that were part of this process.
Sometimes the potential disability is obvious and other times the signs emerge piecemeal. It may start with niggling observations as in the case of hearing impairment, that something is not quite right, but is dismissed. It may then become increasingly prominent at which point doctors’ appointments are sought followed typically by an array of specialists. The time in which to receive a diagnosis will vary and the pros and cons of waiting can be argued both ways.
When a diagnosis is dragged out, there is often relief with parents blaming themselves about having worried too much, being hysterical first-time parents, and the like. The parents want so desperately to be proven wrong about their suspicions. Alternatively, the diagnosis could be fairly quick and the reality accompanying this confirmation may be denied, met with disbelief, but most ultimately be digested and swallowed to facilitate quick, necessary self-education leading to an action plan. Literally, parents will experience all these outcomes, sometimes in a varying order, sometimes in a repeating pattern, sometimes in a “stuck” fashion and sometimes franticly. While the common orderly fashion is a possibility, it is rare due to the new overwhelming fear and the feeling that your whole child is being shoved through a funnel, creating an ever-narrowing number of possibilities for their future.
With this diagnosis comes the beginning of experiencing a loss accompanied by a grieving process. Families in this process, while generally aware they have been struck by a tidal wave, do not place the impact in the category of loss accompanied by traditional grieving, though that is, in fact, what is happening. The loss consists of certain dreams and expectations, conscious or unconscious, that are now in question. Using deafness as an example, one has the anxiety and sadness of conveying this development to family and friends, wondering how and if the child will circle through familial life cycle events, as well as dealing with the many other emerging phenomena that rear their heads with each distinct disability.
Questions begin to arise about how communication and learning will take place. Uncertainty as to how this will play out with the siblings and the family unit as a whole arises. What accommodations will have to be made? What will the financial ramifications involve? Will this improve over time or be a lifelong condition? What kind of time will it take, and how will the parent(s) be able to give appropriate attention to the other children? The list of questions goes on and usually without many satisfactory answers or results for some time.
Coping skills and resiliency become very important. These are difficult circumstances to navigate even if one has very strong coping skills and significant resiliencies. In addition to the professionals who are there for the child, the parents will more than likely need help adapting their coping skills to this new, unfamiliar situation. A professional (and many clinicians specialize in specific areas of child disabilities) will help parents to process this information -- not just the question of what will happen to my child, but what will happen to me, my family unit, the siblings, extended family and friends as a result of this diagnosis. Coping strategies for dealing with this new life reality, both in the short and long-term, will have to be peripherally determined but need to remain flexible as new information will always be entering the equation. It is ideally recommended that parents seek the help of a professional if possible, especially during this time when so much needs to be processed and decided.
When your child has a new diagnosis, the parent(s) is so vulnerable, scared and questioning. As help is sought, the educational process is unfolding. Ideally, parents are learning everything they can relative to the child being able to cope and hopefully eventually thrive. The parents are building a network of professionals and other families who have had similar experiences. This network is extremely important as it will ideally see the family through the child’s formative years and often into adulthood.
Numerous families recount that the most rewarding part will invariably become a journey, whether short or long, made up of the other people they met along the way resulting in lifelong relationships of support. A powerful bond grows between the people in similar situations among those with whom you never in the past would have imagined you would share anything in common. They often turn out to then be the most special people you will have met during your lifetime. While what seems so devastating at first, has many twists and turns that can be life-altering in a positive way. I trust that many parents ahead of you on this journey will vociferously support this notion.